Sentient Writing

There are many reasons why someone would want to get married. Much of the reason that people get married revolves around the thought that no one wants to be alone, and the desire to have as a companion someone that one has a fondness for. Many people go into marriage believing that what they call “love” is a good enough reason to commit their lives to another human being. This idea of love often turns out to be an emotional response to a physiological reaction, a response that eventually dissipates. What remains after the initial emotions subside is what the marriage really becomes. In a perfect situation the couples realize this going into the marriage and lay a foundation of marital standards from the start. When the emotional feelings of love are no longer there, the self-imposed regulations for conduct are what can keep the marriage healthy, even thriving. The concepts that Jesus presents in the New Testament and Paul after Him espouse an emphasis on true love and a conduct that will form the perfect foundation for true love to exist.

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If love is not a feeling, then what is it? A love that is true and consistent is detailed in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (English Standard Version used throughout). That list can be simplified and applied in a practical way when one considers what Jesus said, “As you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31). The love that is explained in 1 Corinthians 13 is a result of the command of Jesus. If a husband treats his wife as he would like to be treated, then he will invariably perform the acts of love in 1 Corinthians 13. This takes a real empathy. It is not something that one can decide to do and immediately do it perfectly. This is the result of continuing when one falls and trying to place oneself in the other person’s situation to understand the best approach to take. This is further commanded in Ephesians 5:28, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Note that this verse takes empathy to a physical level. It indicates that empathizing with one’s spouse is not merely attempting to understand what the other person thinks, but also to feel their pain. Paul further says in Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Part of the mystery of marriage is the union between wife, husband, and God. The man and woman become one person and no longer two. That is why complete empathy is not only possible, it is expected. When empathy is established, the examples of love that 1 Corinthians 13 points out become exemplified in daily living.

As with any relationship arguments do happen, and often for reasons that cannot be later explained. When one lives with another person, small situations can provoke a careless word which becomes much larger than it was intended and an argument ensues. This can harm the relationship and cause problems later if it is not dealt with properly and immediately. The best remedy for this possible situation is prevention. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” ( James 1:19). This verse encourages one to exhibit the characteristic of love that is patience. If one is loving and patient with one’s spouse, then many of the potential arguments can be avoided. 1Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” This indicates that not showing love and patience can not only harm one’s relationship with one’s spouse, but also with God. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That is to say that there are situations beyond one’s control, but if it is possible, live in peace and not conflict. This may mean apologizing for things that are not one’s fault. It will be far better to do so than to live in conflict. It is best to keep in mind what Jesus said in Matthew 7:3, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” No one is perfect. It requires more than one person to argue. Though an argument may not completely be one’s fault, it is better to end it quickly than to prolong the unloving atmosphere. After all, love “does not insist on its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

photo credit: asalexander

When one’s spouse has done something that could be hurtful, it is best to act in a loving, kind way and bear the burden of forgiveness. It is far better to follow Christ’s example and “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Imagine how Christ could forgive His accusers and torturers. He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). At times it may be unimaginable to forgive one’s spouse. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Believing that all things are actually possible through God can potentially save one’s marriage when it seems one is harmed beyond repair. At those moments the unity of of husband and wife is crucial. Consider what Jesus said in Matthew 18:19, “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” This emphasizes healing through agreement and love. It is best to forgive so that unity can be had and relational healing can happen. There must be a mutual desire to love and have a strong marriage, because “if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand” (Mark 3:25).

Marriages are often challenged by external circumstances such as finances. These challenges can cause a rift to exist between the husband and wife. Though these situations arise, God has intended for there to be trust in each other and in God. Remember that “If two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19). Also, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). God will assist in sorting out external problems just like He transforms internal problems. Since Jesus is the perfect example of how to love, it is important to consider that He trusted the Father’s plan to the point of death. It is important to remember that trust is very important in marriage. Without trust there can be no basis for a strong relationship. By trusting one can know that “God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:29). Though one may begin to be afraid of what could happen, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1John 4:18).

One should consider either when entering into marriage or while already married what true love is, as exemplified through Christ. Jesus “shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Though one will most likely never have to love to the point of death, the extreme devotion that Jesus had is something that should be lived out in marriage. 1 John 4:7 says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” This is an example of true love, beyond the emotions and the physiological responses. To rely on the emotions and physiological responses can lead to extramarital affairs, which are not appropriate. Instead, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4). The way to best do this is to follow the advice given in Philippians 4:8, which says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” This will ensure that love is pure and true and one’s marriage is as strong as it can be.